


No Tears Left to Cry

by ilyhyuckie



Series: NCT Oneshots [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Fuck This, Happy Ending, M/M, Sad, Soft Mark Lee, Vomiting, a lot of vomiting, a mess, everythings wrong, haechan is beautiful, im sorry, mark loves haechan, markhyuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 14:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15051155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilyhyuckie/pseuds/ilyhyuckie
Summary: donghyuck knows throwing up everything he's eaten all day isn't healthy but he has to. he has to be as beautiful as the other members.





	No Tears Left to Cry

**Author's Note:**

> this may be triggering for people, eating disorders some mildly graphic content at the end, blood, vomit, and toxic mentalities make a presence in this, this is basically like a haechan fic plus markhyuck relationship in the back, there's a happy ending so yay ig, eating disorders are not ok and they're not fun i had one and i wouldn't eat anything and would starve myself and threw up everything i ate so yeah.

donghyuck heaved, vomit mixed with blood splattering into the toilet bowl.

tears were running down his face, hands shaking as he slumped over, he was so tired and his throat was burning, haechan didn't want to do this anymore but his conscious pushed him to throw up one more time. 

haechan slowly brought his skinny fingers up to his mouth, forcing them down his throats, per usual he threw up the rest of the things he had eaten that day which wasn't much but still something, there was a lot more blood this time and the sight of the bright red color made him sick. he dry heaved a couple of times, new tears rolling down his face.

as he flushed the toilet still slumped on the floor he could smell the vomit and it was so fucked up but he was so fat and ugly and he just had to be like the other members, taeyong and yuta were so pale, skinny, almost ethereal, and he was just so fat and ugly, even their fans said so.

he just wanted to be loved.

as donghyuck picked himself up from the floor he almost fell seeing as he had no more energy left.

looking in the mirror donghyuck was not satisfied but he knew it was a process.

he's only been doing this for 7 months and he read some people didn't start looking better till a year.

donghyuck brushed his teeth three times and sprayed Febreze to get rid of the stench, he also put back on the shirt he took off to not get dirty.

as he exited the bathroom and walked through the living room where everyone was just lazing around before bed, he could feel all the members eyes on him, but no dared to say anything averting their eyes when haechan looked at them.

they couldn’t possibly know right? he had been doing this for months without them catching on they were about to catch on now.

haechan put a fake smile on before walking towards his room.

—

two weeks later haechan once again found himself in the bathroom, even though during practice he was literally seconds away from passing out he continued this routine of throwing up.

haechan was mad at the world and himself, he couldn’t have just been born good-looking and skinny, no, he had to suffer.

they had a big dinner that day and haechan could feel it all sloshing around in his stomach despite him not actually eating that much.

like usual he took off his shirt forcing his fingers down his throat and gaining the same results from yesterday, blood mixed with chunks of his dinner, it all looked disgusting but when was the cost of beauty beautiful.

he took a short hot shower, so hot that he hoped to burn off his fat from his skin, alas it didn’t work.

he put on the change of clothes he brought and walked out into the living room, he literally felt like dirt and didn’t feel like talking to anyone but when he walked in everyone’s eyes were on him, but not the usual worried expressions it’s almost like they knew what he was doing behind closed bathroom doors.

donghyuck's hands started to clam up and he clutched the edge of his shirt, looking back at the members.

"what?" donghyuck asked voice scratchy from the acid when he was throwing up that was supposed in his stomach.

"are you ok?" jaehyun asked.

"i'm fine why wouldn't i be." donghyuck lies smoothly.

taeyong and jaehyun shared a look.

"we're worried about you hyuckie, you seem so... sickly, you're paler and skinnier than you've ever been in your life." taeyong said running a hand through his hair.

donghyuck snapped, "so because i'm skinny and look better than i ever have, i'm sick? funny coming from you taeyong."

taeyong's eyebrows raised and his eyes widened.

"donghyuck, the problem is we're worried, you don't need to attack anyone, this isn't how you usually look, you're the lightest member now, and it's not about being the lightest, you're on a whole new level of skinny not anywhere near our weights." doyoung explained.

donghyuck was quiet for a few moments, "i'm fine, i swear guys nothings wrong."

no one seemed convinced and when donghyuck excused himself to his room he could feel someone's stares on his back.

donghyuck went into his room, changing into mark's sweater instead because he really needed it rn. the sweater that would usually just be slightly too big for him, was now way too big for him, but he took that as a good sign and got under the covers extremely exhausted from everything that had been happening this year.

as he was laying in bed he heard someone come in and close the door.

"donghyuck." a voice said

donghyuck knew it was mark.

mark moved to lay behind him, being the big spoon.  
they were silent for a while before the smaller boy turned around to look at him.

"god you're so skinny now." mark said tracing donghyuck's prominent collar bones, mark's hand trailed down his arm his hand easily wrapping around his wrist.

mark's face scrunched up, and his hand tightened wrapped around donghyuck's wrist.

donghyuck frowned, why was no one happy he was finally skinny and beautiful.

instead of talking mark wrapped his arm around donghyuck easily dwarfing him, and they fell asleep, like that, mark was highly uncomfortable on how his hyuckie no longer fit perfectly in his arms, he felt fragile like if mark really wanted to snap him in half he could.

—

donghyuck woke up thinking he could forget about everything going on at the nct dream practice for go, but guess not.

they were joking like usual before the practice started and he was really happy, happier than he had been in a while.

in the midst of their joking and laughing jisung softly pushed donghyuck and he fell.

hard.

everyone had wide eyes as they went to help donghyuck up.

mark was there first and then there was a sorry jisung.

"oh god, i'm so sorry hyuckie, i forgot your not h..."

donghyuck was dusting himself off, cradling his forearm, looking at jisung who had trailed off mid sentence, all the members seemed to know what he was going to say except him.

"i'm not what?" donghyuck said, looking at the bruise blossoming on his forearm that was already turning purple.

"that you're not really... as healthy or sturdy anymore." renjun said for jisung who was standing slightly behind chenle.

"what? i'm perfectly healthy."

"hyuckie, no you're not, you fell over from jisung basically putting the littlest pressure on you, and you're already bruising, you're skin is so fragile now." jeno butted in.

"that.. that doesn't mean anything." donghyuck whispered clutching mark's arm tightly.

no one said anything after deciding to just start practice.

at the end of practice donghyuk was light headed, he had refused breakfast from johnny that morning and he threw up everything from yesterday.

is this what it costs to be beautiful? donghyuck thought.

he'd give an arm and a leg to be beautiful enough, skinny enough.

—

back at the dorms he laid on the couch, his legs in mark's lap, lucas, jungwoo and kun were sat on the floor playing some game and winwin and yuta were sat on the love seat. taeyong, jaehyun and doyoung were in the kitchen bustling about, cleaning up the dinner they just ate.

as donghyuck scrolled through comments on their videos and fancams he saw a lot of comments about him looking sick, donghyuck frowned scrolling some more.

people were calling him a skeleton, and gross looking, and then there were still some comments talking about how no matter how much weight he lost he would still be fat.

donghyuck felt sick, a different kind of sick, usually he made himself throw up, he usually doesn't vomit himself.

donghyuck didn't move trying to swallow the around the salty slimly feeling in his throat, that people usually got before throwing up.

he continued looking threw the comments one caught his eye and he stopped to read it:

haechan his so disgusting, how did he even get into nct literally everyone is so much better than him, he's just a fat pig that can't ever do anything, i hate him so much.

donghyuck shot up running towards the bathroom feeling the vomit come up, everyone in the room was alarmed and looking at him.

donghyuck barely closed the door before he threw up and it wasn't even vomit, it was blood.

some of the blood fell on to the floor, donghyuck sobbed falling to his knees and threw up again blood going everywhere.

donghyuck screamed, it was piercing and sharp and had everyone in the dorm on their feet running towards the bathroom.

donghyuk stared at his hands, stained with blood and he threw up again, there wasn't anything in his stomach to throw up so all the blood was mixed in with weird liquids and water.

he felt mark's hands on his back and he couldn't focus properly the lights were so bright.

in the doorway he could make out a frantic taeyong.

chenle and renjun were crying, johnny immediately pulling them away from the scene, including jisung who should not be witnessing this.

doyoung was on the phone screaming and he knew it was probably 911.

jaemin's mouth was agape and sounds that sounded similar to whimpers left his mouth, jeno was cradling jaemin's head so he didn't have to look.

lucas for once was not joking around and jungwoo was just in a state of shock.

god he was such a monster, he brought this upon himself, he couldn't believe they were seeing him like this, he didn't deserve to be in this group.

donghyuck dry heaved in mark's arms til he threw up one more time and passed out.

—

donghyuck could hear crying all around him, his members (well not all of them since 18 people would not fit in a hospital room) were in various levels of distress.

taeyong wasn't crying but his head was buried in his hands, johnny wasn't crying either his eyes were just blank, jisung was crying but without the sounds, winwin was sobbing and so was chenle. jungwoo had his head in kun's chest who was stroking his hair sadly.

lastly there was mark who was sat beside him, he was crying similarly to jisung, his head were in the sheets beside where donghyuck was laying in the hospital bed. his hand grasping donghyuck's.

suddenly mark was whispering, "please wake up, we miss you. we should've known you weren't okay no matter how many times you said you were, i love you you know? i should've asked out along time ago, it's not fair if you go before i can tell you."

donghyuk's heart went soaring he loved mark so much, he loved all his members too, his eyelids were heavy opening them and he groaned when he moved his fingers in mark's.

"god who knew waking up could be so hard." donghyuck said bringing his hand that wasn't in mark's hand to rub at his face, there were ivs in his arms and he had little to no energy.

crying in the room seized and everyone was silent and had wide eyes.

and then suddenly everyone was talking at one and standing around the bed.

donghyuck couldn't really focus on anybodies questions and scoldings because mark was a second away from crying and he looked so relieved to have donghyuck awake.

instead of talking mark pressed a kiss to his forehead in front of everyone and held his hand even tighter.

taeyong was first to properly scold him.

"i swear to god if you everrrr, pull this again i will choke you, and when you're feeling like you're worthless you have to tell us, nothing like this can ever happen again, eating disorders are not ok." taeyong said sternly looking at donghyuck and all the members in the room nodded in agreement.

"how did you figure out i had a eating disorder, all i did was throw up blood that day."

"the doctor told us there was stomach acid in your throat that wasn't just from you throwing up that day and they told us that you're body seemed deprived of food and drinks, we put two and two together." kun explained.

donghyuck looked down guiltily, "i'm sorry for all of this, i just wanted to fit in."

"you already fit in and you're perfect the way you are and if anyone thinks differently that's their problem." winwin said ruffling donghyuck's already frazzled hair.

donghyuck nodded with a small smile, all he ever wanted was acceptance and he's gotten it from the people who are most important to him so everyone else's opinion doesn't matter.

after that, the rest of the members who didn't get to see him the day he woke up saw him the next day since he was staying another day to check if everything was ok, mark was there both days because... well you know why.

when he got back to the dorm in the afternoon, there were balloons and cake and everyone was hugging him at once, there was a lot of stuffed animals as well.

and because he was still skinny, around 30 pounds under what he usually was, the members made it their mission to get him back up to his normal weight, donghyuck found it harder to gain weight than lose it but he kept trying because it would make his members and himself happy.

2 months after he came back, his weight was now just only a little bit less than his normal weight, he was laying in his bed and mark slipped in behind him wrapping his arms around his waist and mark could only think about how his hyuckie now fit perfectly in his arms again.

**Author's Note:**

> REQUESTS?


End file.
